List Categories | List All Articles | List Articles By Title
When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan
It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...
"And what if?" you may be thinking.
"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.
"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.
Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...
Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...
If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:
Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.
Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.
Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.
Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.
It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...
But I digress.
Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)
The Hidden Driveway
I won't lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I'd even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway.
The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players
Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one.
When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan
It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets.
The Zapp Principle
My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was always a mess. This time it was a lightly charred mess, covered with extinguisher gloop.
Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato
Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.
Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers
Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time to lighten up.People love attaching themselves to ideas.
Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing
Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods.
3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices
I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately.
The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?
This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child's birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn't done by a clown, but I've seen clowns doing similar things.
Marines Dont Take Crap
We live in a world of widgets. People manufacture, distribute, and sell them.
New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst
Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater.
[Not So] Outgoing Mail
I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond.
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl..
Stopping Bad Breath Bart
"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week." OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then.
Setting History Straight
Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the name Artie Seymour? Probably not. But you will, you will, when the word gets around about how these two inglorious talents were by-passed, how they missed being touched by the magic wand of Fate.
Humor Under The Keyboards
For me, the piano is the symbol of what is stiff, proper and elegant. It doesn't have faults, it is perfect.
Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading
Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on the team that have surprising application in the business world.
Internet is My True Agent
You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time there is a pen and paper on the table, they will be sketching something down, with a mysterious smile, giggling quietly and making funny faces.
I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I don't have much of a sense of humor at all.
Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech
Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in the news a lot lately, he has been a kidnapped Victim. Instead of wasting time with an Amber Alert for SpongeBob, why not put an Active RFID Satellite Tags in the SpongeBobs so we can track them to the culprits.
home | site map
All articles are copyright to their owners.
Note: this website lists articles, We do not Write Articles !