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Leaving The Child Behind. Recovery From Child Abuse
I looked at my father for the last time before he was finally laid to rest. And I said to myself, "I forgive you father".
I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten the turmoil, terror and abuse that I went through.
My father was working away most of the time when I was growing up. But when he was home, he was violent.
I remembered crying in the middle of the night listening to him beating up my mother. I could hear her sobs. And I wept because I could not do anything about it.
I was terrified of him. We were not supposed to do any thing wrong according to his terms. When I was six years old he pushed my head so hard onto the floor. I still have the scar on my forehead.
When my mother was diagnosed with depression, the four of us siblings had to move and we lived with him. He hired someone to take care of us while he was away at work.
There was so much fear in us when he was back. My father was so angry with one of my brother's one day that he turned him upside down and wanted to throw him off. I watched that episode with horror.
From then on, I tried not to make any mistake. I wept inside because he did not want to hear any whimper. And I continued watching him vent his anger on the rest of my siblings.
When my father divorced my mother, I did not know how to feel or react. My mother was back with us but her depression kept relapsing. We were neglected.
I found solace from friends at school. I enjoyed reading stories and literature. I spent my time in the school library. There was no home sweet home.
My mother could not take care of me. My father took me away to live with his new family. It did not work out. I was sent to a welfare home.
I did not deserve to be abandoned but I was helpless. I was mad with my father. I was not angry with my mother but I just did not understand why she had to be sick.
Until recently, I did not want to admit that my childhood affected me emotionally and mentally. I have brought the memories of bygone age along into my daily existence.
In all my relationships, everything went well until my partners suggested on serious commitments. I would then sabotage the relationships.
I was not able to open up to anyone. I was very defensive when given any advice or opinion on my attitude and behavior.
When there were arguments, I clamped up or walked off. I never wanted to face any issues and resolve them.
And I would not cry in front of anyone no matter how sad or hurt I was. I remembered a time when my sister was badly wounded and hospitalized. I did not want anyone to see me cry. I walked away and cried my heart out alone in a secluded place.
I excelled in my career by putting in lots of hours and efforts. Now I realized that it was one way of escaping reality. I kept myself so busy so that I do not notice things that needed attention. I was using work as a means to avoid commitments.
There was one thing that I gained from the experience of being abandoned. I was able to sit quietly alone for hours and reflect.
It has developed my fascination on nature's beauty. I love the feel of the wind blowing on my face. I enjoy watching the rain falling. And no matter how bad the weather is, it is still beautiful.
I became curious about many things. I questioned others and myself about life and how some things happen to certain people. I wondered why people behave the way they do. I looked for the answers.
I have developed the strength to persevere. But that is not enough. I want to become a survivor who is able to balance her life and enjoy the abundance that the universe has to offer.
I have decided to break myself free from the shackles of my fragile upbringing. I promise myself that I will not allow my past to continue ruining my future.
Fatimah Musa provides information, tips and quotes to help people become aware that any future growth starts with their personal growth. You can visit Fatimah at http://www.about-personal-growth.com
How to Scare Fear Out of Your Life
A reader asks: "Many times in my life I have let fear rule me and stop me from doing something I wanted to do. Do you have any suggestions for how to handle fear?"There are many successful strategies for dealing with fear in your life.
I'm writing to you with a completely shattered heart. I've known my wife for over five years, and we got married last August.
Beyond the River: Kabbalahs Guidance for Our Times
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move ourselves in the opposite direction.
My Favorite Movies Journal
The movies--what a wonderful way to spend an afternoon! I love going to the movies. When I thought about why I look forward to going to a movie, I realized it was like meditation for me.
5 Simple Tips For A Better Life
How can we enjoy a better lifestyle?'Easy' I hear you say, all you need is a few million dollars a beautiful home a happy loving family and all the time in the world to sit back relax and enjoy life's pleasures.Well wouldn't that be a simple solution! A short trip to see the friendly bank manager and all your problems are in the past; hmmm maybe not - so on the basis that you're like me and don't expect any windfalls in the coming weeks here are 5 simple tips to improving your lifestyle.
Nine Things More Important than Capital
When starting any enterprise or business, whether it is full-time or part-time, we all know the value of having plenty of capital (money). But I bet we both know or at least have heard of people who started with no capital who went on to make fortunes.
Energy Work Basics Part 4: Imagine!
Einstein said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge".Did you know that athletes use the power of their imaginations to perfect their athletic performances? Musicians and vocalists do the same thing.
Beautiful Day Blues
The massive orb dominates the aqua crystalline backdrop of its own making, floods its rays on everything below. The sky devoid of a single cloud seems as empty as I feel and the beach looks like an arid desert, molded by tireless wind and blazing heat.
True Inner Guidance
It's easy to tell the difference between true inner guidance (spirit) and ego-driven guidance: the first is attended with Love and the second with Fear.True inner guidance will always draw you into something that you are desiring or want to be, do or have.
Anam Chara - Wishing Versus Wanting
There is an old saying, which warns, "be careful for what you wish because you may get what you want."How many of us actually heed this age-old advice.
A Prison Cell?
Do you have a goal? A focus in life? Have you invested a great deal of time, effort, money to achieve and yet feel you haven't made it yet? For all your effort do you still feel that there is something missing in your life? It is obviously very important to set goals in your life. It gives you a focus a way forward a mechanism for making decisions when faced with a number of options.
When Was the Last Time?
When was the last time you smiled at a stranger?When was the last time you really enjoyed a good meal?When was the last time you did absolutely nothing all day and didn't feel guilty about it?When was the last time you did something special for yourself?When was the last time you anonymously did something nice for someone else?When was the last time you listened without interrupting?When was the last time you picked up the phone without looking at the caller-id?When was the last time you took a bath without any interruptions?When was the last time you made a child feel special?When was the last time you paid your bills on time?When was the last time you forgave someone?When was the last time you confronted someone who hurt you?When was the last time you said "I'm sorry" and meant it?When was the last time you had gratitude?When was the last time you liked what you saw in the mirror?When was the last time you prayed with conviction?When was the last time you stood up for yourself?When was the last time you paid someone a genuine compliment?When was the last time you avoided gossip?When was the last time you were happy with your weight/hair/skin/clothes/job?When was the last time you hugged your child?When was the last time you told someone you love them?When was the last time you silenced your inner critic?When was the last time you focused on your strengths instead of your weaknesses?When was the last time you did something you love?When was the last time you took a nap in the afternoon?When was the last time you shared in someone else's success?When was the last time you patted yourself on the back?When was the last time you took care of yourself?When was the last time you had a complete physical?When was the last time you went to the dentist?When was the last time you took a day off from work?When was the last time you felt satisfied with your life?Marie Magdala Roker is a Personal Development Coach an Author of Successful Thinking for a Successful Life: How to Banish the Unhealthy Thoughts and Habits That Limit Your Success. Her Successful Thinking? Program is an affordable coaching resource that offers support and encouragement when there are roadblocks to success.
And How Do We Feel This Morning?
Without question, going to the hospital is teamwork from the time you arrive until you are wheeled out the front door. Everyone is working together for the common good of the patient, or at least a crack at his bank account.
It's all in the mind- your mind.It's not brought about in an instant by serene surroundings,nor by the sound of soulful music, nor the beauty of summer blooms.
Neither A Borrower
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 4, 2002I moved from Los Angeles to Europe with my husband and children. My sister's husband left her with three children.
The Minds Fancy Dress Party -Or- A Brainstorming Session
In Berlin a restaurant opens for anorexics and in Buffalo a lawyer with a stutter wins a court case. When everything you're working on has gone STALE and your own initially promising concepts are starting to annoy you, you need a brainstorming session to get to the missing bits or generate some new ideas.
Attitudes - The Overlooked Inventory
It goes without question that any business intending to thrive will, sooner or later, be forced into making an honest inventory of assets and liabilities. Yet, whether from a business perspective, or in the going concern of a single human life, we often lose track of our most vital product, our own attitudes.
Playing with Matches
Matches are all about power; a new world opens up when you strike a match and see it burst into flames.Most all children go through a period of fascination with matches.
Just the other day, I escaped the business of my daily life and sought refuge on the water front here in Montreal in an attempt to recharge my energies.Taking advantage of a beautiful day, I walked along the long stretch of the Saint Lawrence River, as a way of my meditation routine.
Struggling With Addictions
What kind of bad habits do you struggle with? Most people think that when they come to Christ that their bad habits will magically disappear. And some church people act like if you have any bad habits in your life that you must not truly be saved, but that couldn't be further from the truth.
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