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Been There, Done That
Fourteen years ago I was divorced from my second wife, her idea. I'll call her Kay. But I never lost my love for her. She married again and had two children. We always remained friends, however my new wife could not relate to that, so contact via any manner was limited.
Kay divorced again about four years ago, and my wife just passed away recently. Kay sent her condolences and that has led to a meeting for coffee in the near future. First, I feel guilt because my wife's passing is not even a month old, and my heart is buzzing for Kay. Second, my heart tells me I could live with Kay for the rest of my life, but my intellect tells me I would be a fool to now raise the two kids of the man she left me for.
I feel if I ever commit myself to Kay, I may regret the children, and our relationship would be ruined. I also feel if I don't commit myself to Kay, I may regret losing the woman I never stopped loving.
Keith, a friend of ours is a superb horsewoman. A few years ago she acquired a stunningly beautiful, gray Paso Fino horse. This horse had the characteristic gait of the Paso Fino. When he walked slowly forward, his hooves beat the ground in a perfect four beat rhythm like the rapid roll of a drum. She knew he had been mishandled and abused by a string of previous owners.
Our friend saw the potential in this horse, but no matter how much she worked with him, she could not make him achieve that potential. She experienced one more thing. This was a dangerous animal. A less accomplished rider might have been seriously injured. Finally, she had to admit the horse's flaws and let him go.
In your imagination there is something about Kay which allows you to deny the reality of her actions. You wooed Kay, you were engaged to Kay, you legally married Kay, and she left you for another man. You might call her children the children of another man, but they are her children. They came out of her body. The children are completely innocent.
Until you can get this turned around in your head, you need to consider whether to even meet Kay. The term which describes what you are doing is displacement. It means transferring emotion from the original object to a more acceptable substitute. The loathing you feel for Kay's children is really the loathing and anger you feel toward Kay for leaving you.
Put the blame where it belongs. It doesn't belong on the children, it belongs on Kay. Kay is looking out for Kay. Like our friend with the Paso Fino, you need to admit Kay's flaws and let her go.
Wayne & Tamara
He Loves Me Not
Me and my boyfriend recently split up. It was amicable, but he turned nasty, said he hated me, and erased me from his mobile. Then he decided he would like to be friends. To make matters worse, he keeps telling me he misses me and still loves me. I feel like he's messing with my head. Is there any advice you can give me in order to either get him back or to move on? I feel like he's playing games.
Alice, your ex-boyfriend has you pulling petals from a daisy. With the first you say, "He loves me." With the second you say, "He loves me not." He has you wondering which answer the final petal will yield. He has you playing games.
With a true love the flower isn't destroyed. All the petals are intact. But when someone makes you play this game, know that the final petal always is, "He loves me not." Accept the answer and move on.
Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 12, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Begin With the End In Mind - Tips to Make Your Life More Meaningful
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"You can't harvest what you don't sow. So plant your desires, gently nurture them and they will be rewarded with abundance.
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How many of you had the experience growing up of being told in various ways to limit yourselves from being all you can be? The movie "The Incredibles" is a wonderful metaphor for this. In this movie, the superheroes - the people with extraordinary powers - are restricted from using their powers.
The Nature of Anger
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkMany of us have some very definite ideas about anger.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 16, 2003I enjoy reading your column every week. I want to tell you about a family problem I am having at present.
One of Life´s Great Lessons - Learn to be Thankful for What You Already Have
(excerpted from the New Jim Rohn Weekend Event DVD/CD series)Is thankfulness a survival skill? Perhaps most of you would respond with, "No, Jim, thankfulness is not key to survival", and I would tend to agree with you. Most of us have probably already solved the necessary problems of survival, gone beyond that and are now working to achieve our desires.
Nothing To Celebrate
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 12, 2002I came across your column by accident. Boy, was it impeccable timing.
Life Is Worthwhile If You
(Excerpted from the Jim Rohn Two Day Weekend event - June 22 and 23, 2001)1) First, life is worthwhile if you LEARN.What you don't know WILL hurt you.
Make Mistakes! Its Okay - Really!
When you fall, do you get right back up? Do you learn from your mistake and move on? Or do you kick yourself so hard in the butt that you just mope around for days in your PJs and wonder why you're so miserable? Come on! Get a grip!Okay, okay, that was uncalled for, but seriously, the more mistakes you make, the more you learn. The more you learn the more you grow and the more likely you'll be a future bright star in the sky.
Seven Things You Must Give to Others if You Want to Achieve Success!
A major part of the process of achieving success and living the kind of life that you dream of is to give. Many people think that to get what you want you have to take it.
If you walk up to a stranger in the grocery store and ask them to define "simple," as in "simple life," they'll probably say something like "having less stuff." Or they might hit you with a frozen turkey.
Wisdom of the Worlds Proverbs
You don't have to excavate diamond mines or oil fields to find one of the world's greatest treasures. All you need to do is look at the world's proverbs--the "people's wisdom.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of December 13, 2004I'm in a long-distance relationship that is five months old; of those five months we have spent a total of 15 days together spread over a two month period. As in all relationships it was wonderful in the beginning.
A Key In Hand Is Worth A Thousand On My Desk
A key fault I have, and I can only talk about one fault at a time, is the tendency to get busy. I often find myself chasing my own tail.
What is My Life Purpose?
Why am I here?If you haven't already asked this question, I'm sure you will. Sooner or later most of us do.
The Secret Of Lasting Personal Change
Why do so many of us end up frustrated when we try to improve our personal reality?Why do diets end up in gained weight?Why do some people fail again and again at business?Why do others get into one bad relationship after another - in spite of their deep desire for a "good" relationship?Obviously no one *wishes* to fail in their personal or business life. Yet this is an all-too-common problemLet's face it! We want and deserve to make our lives a better place to be!We want and deserve success! We want a sense of security! We want a good relationship with ourselves and others.
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