List Categories | List All Articles | List Articles By Title
How To Open Up While Staying Safe
When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it can be difficult to open up to love again and entrust your heart to another person.
Similarly, when your partner hurts you, it can difficult to open up and bring trust back into your relationship. It's hard to give your heart back to someone who has proven hurtful.
Yet, you want to love, you want to trust, you want to open up. And so you do. Throwing caution to the wind you open up your heart again, hoping you will not get hurt.
Still you find yourself getting hurt again and again and again.
This is a dilemma many of us face, whether we are single or in a relationship. How do we open up to love and trust another person while staying safe and protected from hurt? I have created the following steps for you to do just that.
10 Steps To Opening Up While Staying Safe
~~~ 1. Assume that any person close to you will eventually hurt you, and continue to hurt you periodically.
Have you ever hurt the people you love? Was it intentional, malicious? Were you sorry afterwards? Did you have trouble admitting your remorse?
When others hurt you, realize they are just like you. They have likely hurt you unintentionally, and are remorseful and sorry afterwards.
~~~ 2. Do not assume that knowing someone well or being in love is going to prevent hurt. Regardless of circumstances, time or promises, step #1 still holds true.
Getting to know someone well may prevent you from ending up with a partner who will be nothing but hurt and heartache. But, it still won't prevent you from getting hurt eventually.
~~~ 3. When he or she does hurt you, assume it is not personal, is not directed at you and is not about you.
When your partner or potential partner does something that makes your heart ache, think back to a time you inflicted hurt on another.
You did not do it intentionally, maliciously. It's just that you were reminded of something in your past. You were afraid. You could not help yourself, etc.
The same is likely true of your partner, who was reminded of something in his/her past, was afraid, could not help him/her self, etc.
~~~ 4. Learn to set boundaries.
To find out what your boundaries are, ask yourself the following questions: *What don't I want in my life, in my relationships? *What type of behavior hurts me? *How would people need to behave around me in order for me to thrive?
Make a list of your answers. Make your boundaries big enough so that you feel very safe. Start to educate people about them.
~~~ 5. When you've been hurt, learn how to immediately take care of yourself by removing yourself from the situation and soothing your emotions.
For example, if your partner raises his or her voice when upset and this hurts, learn how to say "stop" and "I will not talk about this when you raise your voice at me". Then, do something that makes you feel good. It may be taking a long bath, or a walk, or watching a movie.
Let's take another example. Let's say you are single and waiting for a call from a potential partner. Let's say you have been waiting for a call for days. Remove yourself from the situation by ending the wait--stop waiting for the call. In fact, ignore the phone and let the answering machine pick it up. Now do something that makes you feel better. Treat yourself, nurture, entertain, etc.
~~~ 6. Realize that the key to saying safe is not in trusting the other person but in trusting yourself.
You can never guarantee that another person will not hurt you. In fact, you can be assured that most people--especially those close to you--will hurt you occasionally. But this does not mean you can never open your heart for fear of being hurt.
You can learn to trust yourself to take care of you in a hurtful situation by removing yourself from the situation and soothing your emotions.
~~~ 7. Become the kind of person who can be trusted to take care of her/him self first and always.
As soon as you can trust yourself to always take care of you first, your heart will become safe and you will feel free to form or rekindle a relationship. It's that important.
Taking care of you can be anything from ending a fight the minute it begins to immediately voicing a concern to making a request to get what you want and need. It means you always think of yourself and your needs first.
~~~ 8. Learn to communicate effectively and powerfully, yet gently.
You want to try and stop the hurtful behavior, but do so in such a way that the person does not resent you.
For example, let's say again that your partner raises his or her voice at you in anger, which you do not like.
You may want to stop the behavior by calmly saying something like, "Please do not speak to me with a raised voice. I cannot hear you when you raise your voice and I want to hear you. Can we speak calmly now or should we have this conversation later?"
Our second example may be more appropriate for singles. Let's say you are still waiting for that phone call. The person finally calls several days later. If you choose to communicate about this, you might say, "I am glad you called. It has been a while since we last spoke and I was starting to loose interest."
There is no attack, no accusation, yet everything that needs to be said to make an impact is said with grace and heart.
~~~ 9. Learn to trust your opinions about yourself, your actions and your attributes as more important than the opinions of others.
Sometimes in relationships, hurtful things can be said in the heat of the moment. Sometimes these things don't need to be said--it is obvious when your partner thinks badly of you.
Believe in yourself and appreciate yourself enough to be able to dismiss the hurtful words and the vague feeling of being judged as irrelevant.
~~~ 10. Learn when it's appropriate to forgive and when it's best to end the relationship.
Any partner will hurt you occasionally. The question is how much and how often. An occasional hurt or annoyance can be forgiven or dealt with for the benefit of the relationship. Working through the hurt can make you grow together.
On the other hand, if you find yourself being hurt from the onset of the relationship and it never stops, you may want to reconsider your choice of partners.
The best news is that when you can take care of you -- first and always -- you will attract partners who will tend to do less hurting and much more loving.
Your Relationship Coach, Rinatta Paries www.WhatItTakes.com
About The Author
This article was originally published by Coach Rinatta Paries in "The Relationship Coach Newsletter," a weekly e-zine for people who want fulfilling relationships. For singles, the newsletter will help you attract your Mr. or Ms. Right. If you're in a relationship, you will learn to create more closeness and intimacy with your mate. To subscribe, go to www.WhatItTakes.com
Authentic Relationships - 5-Question Exercise to Explore How You Show Up In Relationship
The focus of this article is to explore what it means to be authentic in the context of being single in the dating world and/or in the context of coaching singles. Take this five-question exercise to explore your relationship to authenticity.
Destroyers of Relationships
Communication and listening is very important in any relationship. For it says in Amos 3:3 Do two walk together unless they agreed to do so? Honesty is another factor in a relationship in Colossians 3:9 it says Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28, 2004Two days ago, purely by accident, I found out my husband was a member of an online sex and swinger service. I unintentionally opened his e-mail, thinking the computer was logged on to my name, not his.
To Cheat or Not To Cheat
You know I am getting fed up with people who cheat. That seems to be the norm these days.
Understanding Your Teen Relationship
Teen relationships are touchy things. Girls are often ready for serious commitments within their relationships while boys want something more laid back in their relationship.
What Is Love And The Love Equation
What is Love? This question has bothered me for a long time. After listening to many perspectives and examining Love from several angles, the thought came to my mind that we have over-complicated Love and need easier to understand models.
To Apologize or Not to Apologize...That is the Question
We don't like to say it and we don't always mean it, but despite the oft-quoted promise from the movie, love DOES mean saying you're sorry. Unfortunately the idea seems to have hung around long since the movie was put back on the shelf.
Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy
IntroductionYou might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover "the look-over." You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man.
How To Make Hooking Up With Your Ex More Thrilling Than It Ever Was Before!
Now I really have seen everything.The other day, I saw a television show with a very curious premise: They found a good-old Southern boy who was such a charmer, 6 of his ex-girlfriends (some, who had been flat-out "dumped" by him) were willing to line themselves up in front of a camera for 120 minutes, and go through various and sundry interviews, to see whether or not they could pass muster with him, the second time around.
How to Have an Affair - Beware!
People decide to have an affair for many reasons. They could have become disappointed with their marriage expectations which may have been too high to fulfil or they may simply want to carry on having an open relationship as they have in their past.
Make Time for Your Relationship
"We don't have to wait till Valentine's Day to think about relationships, whether we're in one or would like to be. Most people would agree that romance is the key element beneath the relationship pot.
"The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving is that forgiveness doesn't make the other person right; it makes you free." --Stormie OmartianHow do we know if we need to forgive someone, something, or even ourselves? We know because we feel a gnawing sadness inside of us, although we may not know the cause.
Relationship Advice: 4 Steps to a Genuine Apology
A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment, forgiveness and repentance.1) ApologizeI've come to dislike the words "I'm sorry" because they're so easily said that they've lost their meaning.
The Relativity of Your Life
We live in the world of the relative. What and whom we surround ourselves with, how we spend our waking hours, and the type of person we become is in direct relation to all that surrounds us.
An Introduction to Relationships
"Love makes the world go around" was true when it was first uttered many years ago and remains just as true today. Love is what everybody is after.
The Five Second Flirt Technique
The first thing you want to do is to get into the line of sight of the man you are attracted to. When you catch his eye, you must give him the most inviting and receptive look you can manage, for three seconds? Count them.
Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers!
Remember that big hug she gave you when you got her fresh flowers? It doesn't have to only happen on Valentine's Day. Everybody knows that women love to get them, so why is it that men rarely send flowers?When men buy flowers they often find it an intimidating experience.
My Fairy Tale Is Gone
Dear Candace,My girlfriend and I recently split up. I called her a few days ago and she said that it was over and that she did not want to discuss it with me anymore, that I had gotten on her nerves to the point where she didn't see any point in communicating with me, ever.
Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen After Wife Gets MBA
"Hesh, where is your business plan?" It was a question I expected from my banker, but not from my wife. She tried to sweeten it by adding, "honey?" It didn't help.
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
home | site map
All articles are copyright to their owners.
Note: this website lists articles, We do not Write Articles !