List Categories | List All Articles | List Articles By Title
Your Next Argument: 10 Thngs to Consider Before You Get There
1. It's addictive. Fighting, and the anger that comes with it, kicks off the old fight-or-flight response that prepares us to handle a threat. This produces a kind of energy, or "high." Some people have said that what kept the fighting alive in their relationship was the "juiced" feeling they would get when fighting mad.
2. It's not necessary. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. It's also necessary for a relationship because, if you have your own mind, you will sometimes see things differently. Being able to successfully handle the conflict of seeing things differently speaks to the strength of the relationship.
While conflict is inevitable and even necessary, fighting is a choice. Once you choose to see your spouse as an adversary to conquer, there is really not much good stuff that can follow.
3. Nobody wins. Fights have winners and losers. Even when you win a fight, you do so at the expense of your partner, the relationship, and therefore, your own expense as well.
4. It's a lousy model for your kids. Kids almost always know when something is going on, because they have such good antennae and pick up on much more than we would like to admit. From their parents, children can learn that marriage is a battle ground or a good place to be.
5. It devalues your feelings. If there were an unlimited amount of gold available, then how much would gold be worth? It's the same way with anger. If you get angry at everything, then your anger means nothing. One of the most important skills in resolving conflict is learning how to pick your battles.
6. It creates bad associations. Couples who fight regularly develop negative and painful patterns of interaction that take on a life of their own and run automatically. After they have been run enough, all you have to do is see your spouse's face or hear his or her voice and you automatically react with anger. This creates an atmosphere of anger and more distance between people.
7. It creates bad memories. Over time, constant fighting diminishes and overshadows the positive memories, creating a history of mainly bad memories.
8. It's lousy foreplay. There are those who say the kissing and making up is worth the fighting, but there are better ways to get there. Fighting creates distance and leaves resentments to fester and grow.
9. The words said during fights can wound and leave scars. Part of the covenant of marriage is you are given your partner's heart to hold in your hands and care for it. Wounding and scarring is not taking good care of a heart.
10. There are other options. One of many options is the 3 C's of resolving conflict: compromise, capitulate, co-exist. Compromise is to find a solution, or series of solutions, that satisfy as many needs as possible for both partners.
Capitulate does not mean to give in. It does mean that in some conflicts, the issue is very important to one and not so important to the other. It means one defers to the other.
Sometimes two people will see an issue in entirely different ways. You can agree to disagree and peacefully co-exist on the issue.
Jeff Herrring, MS, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, speaker and nationally syndicated relationship columnist, and founder and CEO of http://www.SecretsofGreatrelationships.com. You can email Jeff at firstname.lastname@example.org and sign up for his free internet newsletter "Great Relationships Tip of the Week" on his website at http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Boston Lawyers, DC Lawyers and Individual Rights
Looks like everyone wants to sue someone right? Well, I suppose you have the right. Let me tell you my point of view on a couple of interesting current issues.
Soul Mates - Do They Really Exist?
Throughout centuries, story tellers, and people from different background and cultures always refer to their fascination in meeting one day their soul mates. Is Soul Mate a myth? Do they really exist? Or is Soul Mate a figment of our own imagination that can help keep our hope for a perfect relationship and keep our hope alive.
Zodiac Love Match - Can the Stars be Right?
As a somewhat older gentleman (but still fairly good looking and somewhat romantic?) I have always enjoyed good relationships with the younger folk - Oh! The times I have been called upon over recent years to inspect and give an opinion on some poor new prospective boyfriend.Of course, it is somewhat flattering to be consulted for such advice by pretty young females.
Rediscovering Love and Intimacy
Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of 14 years, had just expressed to her that he wanted to end their relationship. Wendy, terrified of being alone, was panicked.
The Three Levels of Soul Mates
From my own personal experience of being involved in certain relationships, I have come to realize there are three different levels of Soul Mates. We discussed Soul Mates in a previous article of mine, 'Soul Mates - Do they really exists" now we should keep our eyes open and pay closer attention to our relationships, in order that we might recognize those soul mates.
Love and Life Lessons
Recent events in my life have taught me that the best thing to do in any situation is just to love people. How can I be a better friend, a better Son, Brother or Sister,etc.
Being Mindful of Your Mates Space
SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to do the following exercise.1.
Are You Relationship Ready?
So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either married or in committed relationships.
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
1. Be predictable.
Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships
It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the heart go on forever. It is well known that a healthy diet, exercise, and attitude are powerful determinants of a healthy heart.
Why Some Women Are Desperate
I asked Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his wife's death. He replied, "It's rough, but what is even worse, is women won't leave me alone! I don't want to hurt their feelings, but they phone me too so I can't even have peace in my own home.
The Freedom to Fall
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily something that big and cosmic but 'happily ever after' would suffice just fine. Maybe you have somewhat of an idea the type of person you're looking for and you want to place your order with the cosmos - 'one true love meant for only me, please and thank you.
When Are You Ready to Move onto a New Relationship?
Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult levels. The ending of a relationship, a close friendship, and the dreams that you shared with your significant other are just a few of the things you lose.
Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process
If you grew up in the 80s like I did, you might remember the group Depeche Mode and their hit "Just Can't Get Enough." It is a song about being obsessed with the idea of being with someone, about needing another person.
To Apologize or Not to Apologize...That is the Question
We don't like to say it and we don't always mean it, but despite the oft-quoted promise from the movie, love DOES mean saying you're sorry. Unfortunately the idea seems to have hung around long since the movie was put back on the shelf.
Essense of Infidelity
On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them.
Tips For Proper Kissing Etiquette!
Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance kiss twice when they greet someone.
Married and ECheating - A Dreadful Alliance!
In Homer's Odyssey (a Greek Myth) sailors were lured to their death by Sirens, mythological temptresses who sang seductive songs. Sailors called Argonauts escaped the songs, because of the great musician Orpheus.
Sound Seduction Advice for Dating and Romance Success
BackgroundSeduction is a subtle tool used with the ultimate goal in mind of attracting and having sex with a chosen partner. Seduction is a form of flirting, but is more ambitious in its means, fulfilling our desire for sex and companionship.
Long Distance Love
Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare. Most people met their mates in school, through a friend or neighbor, at a party or in a bar.
home | site map
All articles are copyright to their owners.
Note: this website lists articles, We do not Write Articles !